Tears in Heaven
by Sad-Blue-Eyed-Angel 2010
Summary: It is the 9 year anniversary of the avalanche that claimed the life of Lucy Tracy and like every year the youngest of the Tracy family goes off on his own to hide from the survivor's guilt that has haunted him since he was pulled from his dying mother's arms. What he does all day is a mystery to the entire family. Songfic: Tears in Heaven cover by Declan Galbraith
1. I must be strong and carry on

As the sun broke over the horizon, the occupants of Tracy Island began their morning routines. The family gathered at the breakfast table and began to dish up their plates when they noticed the youngest member of the family was missing. They heard the front door open and close before they heard the sounds of feet running up the stairs to the bedrooms. Again they heard the front door open and close before they heard a voice calling out.

"Alan! Please wait! Come back here!" It was Tin-Tin and Fermat.

"Leave me alone! Please!" Alan called back. However, it was Scott who picked up the sound of his brother's voice cracking and sniffle.

Sighing deeply, Scott looked at the calendar before he stood up and went to go pull Fermat and Tin-Tin into the kitchen. After he got their attention he knelt down to their level. Looking into their eyes, he sighed again. It was a painful day today, and he had forgotten. He knew why Alan was acting so distant.

"Okay guys. I know you won't like hearing this, but you need to leave Alan alone for today." Scott looked at the 12 and 11 year old kids.

"But why Scott, Alan was been distancing himself from us all morning. He wouldn't even let me join him in his jog on the beach." Tin-Tin said forlornly.

"W-When T-T-Tin-T-T-Tin t-tried-d t-t-to run w-with h-h-him, h-he s-s-snapped a-at us a-a-and s-said h-he d-didn't w-want t-to s-s-see a-any-b-body t-t-today." Fermat managed to choke out with his stutter.

"You guys…today is a very painful day for Alan. It is the anniversary of our mother's death and he has done this every year. He prefers to be alone on days like today. It is his way of coping with the guilt he still carries over surviving alone without our mother." Scott cast his gaze down at his feet the moment he mentioned his mother.

Alan was not the only one still affected by their mother's passing. All the boys were, but Alan more so than the other boys because he had been lying in his dying mother's arms when rescuers pulled him from the snow and rushed a catatonic Alan to the trauma bay. Scott remembers the glassy stare present on a 3 year old Alan's face. Blood seeping from the snowsuit he wore. How Alan never spoke for a year. For the longest time all he would manage were hand gestures. It was not long until John and Scott began trying to teach Alan sign language so they could communicate with him.

Fermat and Tin-Tin's worried looks changed to looks of sorrow and pain. They had never known what day the accident had taken place, but felt bad because their best friend was hurting and there was nothing they could do to ease the ache. Tears welled in Tin-Tin's eyes and she turned and ran from the kitchen. Fermat ran after her to offer some form of comfort. Scott stood from his kneel and turned back to his family. Sad looks were on the family's faces as they realized the weight of the words that Scott spoke. Alan had survivor's guilt and they always thought he was just upset about the day their mother died.

"I had no idea that what he was feeling was survivor's guilt. All these years and I have never seen the clues. What kind of brother am I?" Virgil said, while casting a sorrowful gaze down at the table.

"Hey I just found out about it a few months ago. It was when he woke up screaming from a nightmare. I never told any of you because he begged me not to." Scott said. He felt like he had betrayed his family in more ways than one.

"What was the nightmare? Where were we at?" Jeff asked. He had a feeling he didn't want to know.

"You guys were on a mission. I offered to stay home with Alan because he was running a low-grade fever and he was too young to stay by himself. Brain's and Fermat were up on Thunderbird 5 and Tin-Tin and her family had already turned in for the evening. He woke me up from a sound sleep screaming "I'm sorry!" He kept screaming it over and over. I ran in to his room and tried to wake him up and he just kept screaming. I realized he was apologizing to mom when he started screaming "I'm so sorry mommy. I'm sorry I am here and you are not." That was why he had that shiner when you guys got home. The only way that I was able to wake him was to hit him." Scott ran his fingers through his hair sighing deeply.

"But why…" Gordon began to ask before Scott interrupted him to continue explaining.

"After I woke him he began sobbing. It was like he was still in the dream. I held him and rocked him like I used to when he was little. He kept up the crying and apologizing for an hour before I managed to get anything useful from him. He finally told me that he had always felt he should have died that day in the avalanche and not mom. His reasoning was that he was a small child, mom and dad could always have another. His brothers needed a mother and our dad needed his wife. He kept say that he should have died that day and not mom. I quickly dispelled the idea that he would have been better off dead. I reminded him that it was him who kept the family going after mom died. I told him that mom and dad would have died at the thought of their little surprise dying. I told him that his brothers would have stopped their hobbies that they loved because he wasn't there to cherish those moments. It seemed to offer some comfort to him. I told him that his survival was what brought meaning back into our lives. I had a reason to step up to the plate and become something of a role model to my younger brothers. John had a reason to pursue his dream of becoming an astronaut. Virgil had a reason to pursue a career in medicine and to revel in his love of music. Gordon had a reason to be his happy go lucky self and be the prankster that we know and love. And that his survival is what offered comfort to our dad. Even though we all were unable to see mom, we could all look at Alan and see her in his face and mannerisms."

The entire family held their breath in the realization that Scott was right in his explanation of his family to the scarred boy. They all thought that Alan had coped with the death of their mother. He seemed to be growing well. He never appeared depressed, or manic. Sure he had a temper, but who in the Tracy family didn't? They realized they didn't know their little brother as well as thought they did. All the family felt guilty for not realizing the pain and weight that had been sitting on this 12 year olds shoulder for 9 years. Virgil pushed back his half finished plate of breakfast. He felt sick to his stomach at the realization that his family had neglected to find out how their youngest family member might have felt. Standing from the table, he said he was going to go up to the lounge. He wanted to play on the piano to help him sort out his feelings.

Scott said he was going to go work on Thunderbird 1 and get it cleaned up. Gordon said he was going to go out for a swim and John said he was going to go out for a jog. They all thought that Alan was up in his bedroom and they didn't want to disturb him.

It was around 3 in the afternoon, when the brothers all gathered for a late lunch. They looked around when they noticed that Alan still wasn't present. John thought it was unusual for Alan to skip both breakfast and lunch. Every year was the same, except in the past years Alan had made attempts at eating with the family on this day of pain. He stood up and made his way to Alan's room. Knocking lightly, he opened the door and stuck his head in the room. He was shocked to find that Alan was not present. Looking around he noticed Alan's room appeared to be untouched. There were no wrinkles on the bed that might signify that Alan had been lying on his bed. His clothes were picked up from the floor and it appeared that he had not gone swimming as his swim trunks were in the basket of clean clothes. He realized that a pre-pubescent boy would never have a clean bedroom. So Alan had not even been in his bedroom after he had woken up. Checking all the other boy's rooms as well as the lounge he realized that Alan was not even present in the house.

Going back out to the patio he told his dad and brothers that Alan was somewhere on the island and nowhere near the house. Concerned looks crossed the faces of the family members and they all stood to help look for Alan. All the boys searched the house and it wasn't long before something spoke volumes to Virgil. He had entered the lounge and took notice of one of his guitars missing. It was an acoustic that Alan had always gazed at, but had never asked to play. Virgil wasn't even sure his brother knew how to read sheet music. Turning from the lounge he went off in search of his brothers to tell them of his recent finding.


	2. No more tears in Heaven - edited

Alan had walked to the far side of the island. He had always gone off on his own on the day of his mother's death. He had felt that the last thing his family wanted to see was a look alike of their mother running around on the anniversary of her death. So every year he would make himself as scarce as possible. But for some reason this year was different. He couldn't quit crying. He refused to show his blotchy tear stained face to his family. They all knew he hated to show weakness. So why would now be any different. What did it matter that today was the day his mother had been stolen from them. Her life was taken in exchange for his. He should have died that day instead of his mother. He was the youngest of the Tracy's and had been three when the accident had taken place. His mother had decided she didn't want to go skiing and wanted to stay at the cabin with Alan. She wanted to build snowmen and drink hot chocolate with her little baby. And he being the momma's boy had readily agreed. He loved cuddling with his mom and falling asleep in her arms. He loved hearing her soothing voice as she sang a lullaby softly to ease him off to the world of dreams. But that had changed when he and his mom had gone outside after his afternoon nap.

~Flashback~

_Lucy Tracy bundled up her youngest son in his little blue snow suit and red mittens. He looked so adorable. After getting him situated she took his hand and stepped outside the cabin. It was a beautiful blue sky kind of day and the sun was shining brightly. She and Alan had stepped off the porch and walked out into the courtyard of the cabin. She and Alan started throwing snow balls at each other and running around giggling like maniacs. After a good romp, she and Alan started building a snowman that looked like Jeff. They had just added the finishing touches when they heard a loud rumble come from way up near the ridge of the mountain. Lucy turned and directed her gaze upwards. Her eyes widened and she screamed the words that would change everybody's perspective of life as they knew it._

_"Avalanche!" Grabbing her youngest son's hand she took off running to try to get to the boulder that was near their cabin. The roaring only got louder and Alan looked over his frantic mother's shoulder just to see a very fast moving wall of white racing towards them. Alan buried his face in his mom's shoulder and began to cry in fear. He wanted his dad and his brothers right now! Lucy looked over her shoulder and almost froze when she realized that the wall of snow was getting closer and she was nowhere near the boulder. She kept running and clutched at her baby boy in her arms. She began to cry herself. She had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that something terrible was about to happen. She kept running and before she knew it the wall of snow was upon them. She screamed as it slammed into her and began rolling her and her son around. She clutched tight to her son and began to pray. She prayed that they would live, they would be found, if they were not found in time that they would go together. She didn't want Alan to die alone if he was going to die. She didn't want Alan present if she was going to die._

_It felt like hours before she stopped being rolled around and had come to a rest. Her baby was still in her arms and for that she was thankful. She knew he was hurt though. Even though they were buried by the snow, she could smell the strong acrid smell of blood. She managed to move enough to see that Alan's arm was broken and that the bone had broken through the skin. He was gasping for air and she started to sooth him as best as she could. Tears ran down their faces and Alan begged for his mommy to hold him. She cuddled him close to her and began to sing a lullaby to him in an effort to calm him._

_They had been buried under the snow for so long. It was becoming difficult to breath, and Alan's breathing had become shallow. She started trying to help him breath. His eyes were open, but he had become unresponsive. She knew she was losing him and had prayed that if he was going to die, then she wanted to go too. She didn't want to leave her baby boy to die alone. She felt the life leaving her, and she hugged Alan close to her, and kissed his temple softly. As she laid her head down she whispered to her baby boy._

_"I love you my little surprise. You were one of the best things that had happened to this family. Please watch over your brothers and I will be with you every step of the way as you grow. Never forget, mommy loves you precious boy."_

_She watched Alan's eyes slip closed, before she closed her and laid her head atop his chest. The last thing she heard was voices and she felt Alan being ripped from her grasp. She knew they were rescued, but it had come too late._

~End Flashback~

Alan had dropped to his knees and sobbed brokenly. He had been awake and alert the entire time and had heard his mom's last words as she slipped from the land of the living. He clutched at his head and gripped his hair before screaming out his frustrations. He didn't care that how loud his anguish was. He was so deep in the jungle that nobody would be able to hear him. He started to punch the ground in front of him. He didn't care how bad his bloodied knuckles felt after reconnecting with the ground several times. He just cried out his frustrations. It was how he had always managed to keep his explosive temper in check. He didn't think that anybody would ever hear how upset he was and how much the guilt had eaten away at his soul.

"Why?! Why did you have to leave mom? Why did you keep singing? You knew that by doing so you would be using up what air we had left! I feel so guilty at you having died and me having lived! Why did you have to leave me? I wanted to go with you mommy!" Alan bawled his eyes out like the child that he knew he was.

A pair of broken hazel eyes watched the break down of the young boy. He tried to keep the tears that welled in his eyes in check. He was watching the anguish that his little brother had felt. He ran his hands through his copper colored hair. Gordon had told his dad and brothers that he would check parts of the jungle, when he had heard his brother scream out. He ran to see if his brother was okay and nearly called out when he saw his brother's fist connect with the earth. He realized that his brother was taking his anger out on the ground. Then he heard the broken confession of his younger brother. He had turned on his vid-com and was secretly recording his brother's outburst. He was showing what he was seeing to his dad and brothers. After the blow-up had occurred Alan stood up and dried his eyes on his sleeve before grabbing a guitar and running deeper into the jungle.

Gordon whispered into his vid-com that he would follow at a safe distance and that he wanted them to go in the same direction that he had gone. Everybody agreed and began to follow. They all met at a small rendezvous that Gordon set up. After meeting up, they began to walk slowly and quietly. They walked for a good 30 minutes before they heard a guitar strumming. Stopping and giving a puzzled glance around the group, not knowing where the music was coming from. Then they heard the voice of an angel singing a song they had never heard before.

They heard a broken sob come from the direction of a grove of trees. As they walked slowly they heard a hiccupping breath before the song resumed. The strumming picked up a little in pace and it sounded like whoever was playing knew what they were doing.

Tears welled in their eyes as they looked through the trees and spotted Alan sitting in a tree facing the ocean. He was the one playing the guitar. But what confused them was who was singing?

Another heart wrenching choked sob fell from the boy's mouth which caused the words to sound broken. Virgil inhaled softly. He realized that the singer was Alan. He was pouring out his feelings and emotions into the song. Virgil had never heard such a beautiful song before.

Jeff watched his youngest son cry while he expressed the sorrow he felt at his mother's passing. It had always been hard on Alan, and Jeff figured it was because the poor boy had essentially watched his one and only mother die right before his very eyes.

__

The brothers listened to the end of the song and as soon as Alan quit strumming, he propped up the guitar on a tree branch before pulling his knees to his chest and burying his head in his knees and arms and began wailing. Rocking back and forth, Alan cried. The family felt their hearts break at watching the poor boy so broken. They felt a light breeze and watched it ruffle Alan's hair. Alan lifted his head and rested his chin on his knees before speaking out almost as if he was carrying on a conversation with someone. His gaze was still directed towards the ocean.

"Mommy why did you have to go?" Alan asked forlornly.

"Did God really need you more than we did? Why couldn't he have allowed you more time to be with us? I have no real memories of you and it hurts to hear my brothers laugh about things they got to do with you which I was too young to do. I miss you! All I have of you are the pictures and the memory in which you sang to me as we lay dying. I was so scared. Then when the people pulled me away from you I thought God had come for the both of us and I felt relieved to be going with you and not by myself. Then I woke up in the hospital and you were not there to hold my hand or to cuddle with me anymore. We couldn't build anymore snowmen that looked like daddy like we did before the avalanche. We could lay awake by the fireplace and listen to scary stories anymore. You and I couldn't nap together anymore. I would never get another kiss from you. No more hugs to fix the hurt. No more anything. Most boys my age would just say their moms are annoying and smothering them. I want to be smothered by my mom again like when I was tiny, I would have never found you annoying, because you were my precious mommy. I want to see my brother's faces light up again like when they would come home from school to find you had made them their favorite cookies. I want to see my daddy actually happy again and not hurting in the privacy of his bedroom or to bury himself in his work. I want you back, and that is one thing I will never get." Alan continued to carry on a monologue with nobody but himself and the wind that blew gently around him.

Alan's family listened and heard every word Alan managed to get out. They had never heard him sound so broken before. They focused on Alan again as he continued to speak.

"You know mom. Every year for my birthday when everybody would bake me a birthday cake and put candles on it…I would wish to see you again at least one more time. Scott and John both told me that if I made a wish before blowing out my candles, it would come true. But that I wasn't allowed to reveal what I had wished for. Every year I would wish to see you and each year I would have a pleasant dream of you and me playing games like we did when I was a small child. I know what I am going to wish for this year, but I know that again it will be the same thing. I think it will always be the same wish, until I completely accept your death."

It broke the family's heart to hear what Alan's birthday wish was every year. They had always thought it was something menial, but it had been a deep desire of the heart. They had always wondered why he seemed so forlorn after making his birthday wish. It never occurred to them that maybe he had made a wish to have something that could never physically happen again.

"I have a vague memory of when I was two, and it was Christmas Eve. I remember crawling out of my toddler bed, and sneaking down to look at the Christmas tree. I had always loved to gaze at the colorful lights. I peeked around the corner and saw you and dad wrapping some last minute presents. You were giggling and dad was whispering in your ear. Then dad stood up and took you by the hand and pulled you up from the couch. I remember you singing "Santa baby" to dad and the only thing that crossed my mind was the song "I saw mommy kissing Santa clause" because dad was wearing a red shirt and black pants while you were in a pretty white nightgown. I watched you two dance for what seemed like ages and then decided to go back to bed myself as I had seen something more meaningful than pretty Christmas lights. When I woke up the next morning I was being cuddled in your arms along with dad. The two of you were fast asleep and I was content to sleep with you two a bit longer, then fish face came racing in and started jumping on the bed to wake you guys up. I remember because I threw up down the front of Gordo when he picked me up after stepping on my stomach. I felt bad about throwing up on both him and dad, but I couldn't help it. I was so upset that Christmas because I couldn't open any of my own presents. Scotty had to open them for me, because I kept throwing up. John and Virgil were not happy having to deal with a puking child sitting on the living room floor with our family sick pail...especially when they wanted to be opening their own presents."

Jeff chuckled softly at the memory. He and Lucy had found Alan asleep near the top of the stairs and when Lucy picked him up he had clung to her so she decided Alan could sleep with them. He had woken up when Gordon started jumping on the bed and sat up to grab Alan from Gordon's grasp when Alan leaned back and threw up on his brother's shirt. Unfortunately Jeff also got a little bit of baby barf on his pajama shirt because of where Gordon was standing when Alan had thrown up. Alan began whimpering and Lucy took the sick child from Gordon's arms. Lucy went to draw a bath for Alan because he had also thrown up on himself. After everybody was cleaned up, the kids all met in the living room and Alan had remained a little green in the face so Lucy brought out the kid's puke bucket. She had John and Virgil help keep an eye on him in case he threw up some more…which he did all morning and afternoon. Scott was mad at Gordon for stepping on Alan's tummy and was sad that Alan cried the entire day from being sick. John and Virgil pouted because they wanted to open their presents right then and there but had to make sure Alan stayed near his bucket. Boy that last Christmas was a fiasco. But the following year was better. Everyone had a good time and there were no sick kids. But then a week later Lucy had been taken from them and Alan was almost taken too.

Alan sniffled, before wiping at his eyes with his sleeve. "I know you must be wondering how I learned to sing mommy. Or play the guitar for that matter. I have always watched Virge play and when he wasn't in the lounge I would sneak in and practice reading sheet music. It wasn't long before I taught myself how to play by sight and sound. I can read sheet music and play it by ear. It was fun to sneak around and learn, but I have always wanted to play you a song. I know you are not here anymore, and for some reason where I am right now I actually feel closer to you. I feel that if we lived on this island before you died, then this would be our spot. Just yours and mine. Whenever I miss you this is where I come. It doesn't matter if the weather is bad or if it is night out…if I feel like I am going to cry from missing you this is where I come. I figured that if I came here today I could play the song I have been working on for you."

The entire family listened to the one-sided conversation Alan carried on to himself. It hurt to see him so down. But they noticed he appeared to be in higher spirits. They stood nearby listening as Alan kept talking.

"Pretty stupid huh? Playing music to nobody but myself…I just can't help but feel that if Scotty or the others found out they would never let me live it down that I hid to play music by myself. I just can't shake the feeling that you were hear to listen to my song. Maybe not in person, but in spirit. It's just like what your last words were to me isn't it mommy? "Please watch over your brothers and I will be with you every step of the way as you grow. Maybe not physically, but in your heart." I have kept my promise to you though mommy. It hasn't been easy, but I have managed to help everyone else come to terms with your death. I just wish I could help myself come to terms with it as I helped them. I am still your precious boy mommy…please don't forget your last words to me. I hope that when the time comes and I get to see you again that you will be welcoming me with open arms. I miss your hugs and kisses. But I will probably be old like grandpa when I see you again. So please don't forget what I look like. I love you mommy."

Alan had fallen asleep after saying he loved his mother. Jeff was fighting tears. He couldn't help but feel that Lucy really had been present for Alan's song. He knew he had felt comforted by Alan's song, so maybe it had been therapeutic for the boy. After standing by for a few minutes to be sure Alan was deeply asleep, Jeff walked up and pulled the 12 year old sleeping Alan from his perch in the tree. Wrapping Alan's arms around his shoulders, Jeff wrapped Alan's legs around his waist. Virgil grabbed the guitar and put the strap around his torso and the entire Tracy clan walked off. It wasn't until they were all out of eyeshot that a transparent lady in white with blonde hair and blue eyes appeared. Lucy smiled and turned to look out at the sea. Alan was right, this would have been hers and Alan's spot. Lucy knew that with time Alan would heal from the emotional hurt, but she also knew that Alan's family accepted him for who he was and not just because he was family. She also knew that the family accepted that with his song, the hurt would begin to heal for everyone. It was a given. Alan had been accepted today by his family and they all had acknowledged the hurt that still showed up from time to time. She turned back in the direction of her family, and blew each of them a kiss before disappearing from sight.

As they were walking up the stairs to the villa, all of the Tracy boys each thought they heard a whisper, and it was a welcome one at that.

"_I love each of you my darlings. Please be good and look out for each other. All my love, mom._"

After Jeff had laid Alan down on his bed and got him tucked in, he could have swore he heard a soft whisper of his beloved wife.

"_We did good darling. We have five amazing boys and each one different in their own way. I miss you all so much, but I have never forgotten you. Please give a kiss good night to our little surprise for me. I love you my Jeffy."_

Jeff bent to give Alan a kiss on the forehead, before turning to leave. As he got to the door, he turned back to look lovingly towards his youngest and saw a small smile on his face. He knew then that Alan was having pleasant dreams at the moment. With that he closed the door and walked off down the hall.

As Alan slept, he dreamt that he got a long awaited hug from his mom, and the two of them ran around playing like they used to when he was a little boy. His mother told him how much she loved and missed him, but that she didn't want him to feel guilt towards the accident. Alan agreed that he would make an effort to allow the hurt to close up and heal. In the real world though, Alan smiled softly and fell further into the realm of sleep. Alan felt content to be in his mom's arms again. As he dreamt on, the healing process began. The smile never left Alan's face for the remainder of the night.

END


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